I have a little sign on my nightstand that says, “Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway.” I’ve got to admit that part of my reason for choosing to get the sign was it’s lovely, duck-egg-blue colour(!), but the words spoke to me as well.
I see those words in two ways. One, as a reminder that true friendship requires vulnerability. As one of my favourite and frequently-quoted-by-me authors Brene Brown says, we all crave connection, yet there is no real connection without vulnerability. If people are going to really love and accept us, then we have to give them access and let them see who we really are. Otherwise we’re always going to know that they don’t know the ‘real’ us and therefore always second guess their good opinion of us. Not a nice way to live.
Years of living in different places and cultures have taught me that some of the best friendships end up being those that take time to grow. Those friendships aren’t always even with those that I’m instantly comfortable with. Sometimes vulnerability is a process worth the time and effort involved.
The second way I see the words, “Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway,” is as a challenge on what kind of friend I want to be. If you are in my world I want to commit to not easily tossing you aside. I don’t want to be a wilting flower that just can’t handle who you are. I want to offer you connection and love–even if it’s not always easy. Of course, there are appropriate boundaries in that I’m not going to let you stomp all over me. Stomping is going to mean that I probably wouldn’t trust you with the deepest parts of my own heart and we’re going to have to talk some things out, but I want to love you and offer you acceptance of who you are anyway. After all, I’ve never walked in your shoes and don’t know all the battles you’ve been through. And hopefully over time we can help each other grow.
“People start to heal the moment they feel heard.” -Cheryl Richardson
After all, in a perfect world, that’s what I hope that you’d do for me.
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” Matt. 7:12
I’ve read those words so many times that my eyes can fly right over them. Today, however, they made me stop and think. We can gloss over them in a reactionary way: OK, I’ll be nice to you because I want you to be nice to me. But to really mean those words we need to go a lot deeper.
To treat others the way we’d like to be treated we need to not only look at them through our personal perspective but actively look into theirs. If we were in their condition, social class, frame of mind, life experience, etc, etc, etc, then how would we want to be treated? Looking deeper is not the easy road, but if we’re not willing to go there in our hearts we’ve already translated the person into an ‘other than us.’ And ‘other’ quickly looses it’s humanity and value. Other can quickly become a case of ‘Us vs. Them’ and all of the ugliness that brings.
To live intentionally like this takes effort and vulnerability. It also takes lack of judgement. The same chapter in Matthew also says.” For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.” (Matt. 7:2)
Remember,
“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.” -Thomas Merton
Determining worthiness is the job of our Creator alone. And He already proved how much He thinks of each and every one of us by sending His Son to be the permanent, unfaltering sacrifice for us. He has made us worthy. And He, more than anyone else EVER, knows all about us and likes us anyway! We are known and we are loved. And we have the absolute privilege of intentionally playing that acceptance forward into the lives of those around us.
Heather Pound 