We’ve never done this before…

When I walked through the supermarket a couple of weeks ago and was greeted by empty shelves and people grabbing the last packet of –whatever– I wasn’t bothered. On some levels I feel like I’ve spent most of my life preparing for moments like this! My brain easily went to the, “Oh I can’t get this today so what can I do instead?” mode after years of uncertainty in grocery stores, open air markets and bazaars in the places that I’ve lived. I rose to that challenge quite easily, but was surprised later in the day when I found myself feeling jittery. What was that about? I had to stop and take stock.

I realised that although I didn’t find the lack of food on the shelves alarming, I was disturbed by the atmosphere I sensed in the store. The feelings of surprise, shock, panic and even suspicion swirling around me. Those feelings were quite familiar and took me right back to the 2000 coup in Suva, Fiji. Being at the house of someone whose husband worked at the Australian high commission while our kids played. Her husband calling and telling us all go to home and stay there. One of the ladies and her children came to our house instead since they lived close by the Parliament building and never went back to their home before they flew out a week later. (We found a hole in their window and a bullet on their bed when we went to pack up their things for them months later.) I remember the looting that happened at shops that night and the man who woke us at 2am throwing rocks through the windows of our van. The armed road blocks, the curfews, the unexpected lockdowns that were suddenly enforced, the months of rolling power cuts, the night of the military mutiny later where we heard gunfire and explosions all night long. All came back because of a feeling in the air in the store. When I recognised the source of what I was feeling, I was able to logically put the current situation in perspective and the jittery feeling left.

Our bodies remember trauma.

I had had a lot more life experience than this too before the panic attacks started in late January of 2007, including the sudden death of my husband at our home in Fiji six months before. So what started the panic attacks then? A lot of unresolved things that had built up over the years, yes, but mostly just being worried about my children and their future. While living a couple of blocks away from my parents in the USA. In a beautiful little house (with no power or water cuts) and driving a comfortable mini van that I had been given. And knowing that I had enough money in the bank through the generosity of others for our near future.

There’s really no rhyme or reason in the conscious mind as to just when the unconscious mind chooses to scream, “I’ve had enough!”

Back to today. We’re living in a very strange, unprecedented period of time. We’re facing a lot of uncertainty and for the first time in my generation’s lifetime there’s nothing that we can do to just sort the collective problem. Scientists are working hard to find something to help us with this virus, but our economies are struggling and the future is uncertain. I’m still on the email list for the US Embassy in India and have been getting dire messages basically saying if you don’t leave NOW you’re here for the duration. The current lockdown in New Zealand isn’t fun for everyone, but I think of our friends in Kolkata who live ten people to one room and for the one million homeless in the city who don’t even have a door to shut to keep themselves safe or enough food for today–let alone for tomorrow. The ability to comfortably lockdown is a privilege.

So that leads me to the point of this blog today. I imagine that there are those of you who might recently have had your first panic attack. Or you might not be sleeping well. The walls of your home might be closing in on you a bit or you might be consistently trying to shove financial worries out of your mind. You might have an elderly relative that you hope is Ok, or you might have Asthma yourself. Or the unfamiliar situation might just be upsetting your kids and weighing you down. I hear you—–and what you’re feeling is valid! I didn’t bring up the poor in Kolkata just now to dismiss what you may also be feeling. My heart and prayers go out for them, but pain, is pain, is pain. And it’s not a competition.

For anyone who has been on the mission field or involved with people-helping professions you may have heard of Compassion Fatigue. Compassion Fatigue is basically the process of not valuing or looking after your own needs because you think that someone else’s needs are greater. This is something I fell prey to when we lived in a red light district in Kolkata. There were girls just up the road being forced to sell their bodies every night so how could I complain when I struggled with the heat, the dust, the noise or the heart-wrenching sights I saw around the city? I shoved it down instead. Did I have a right to even feel upset when it was THEIR pain every day???

We are experiencing an interesting phenomenon right now in that this is not just a problem ‘over there’ in other parts of the world. This is something that’s affecting us ALL. The news reports in other places aren’t as removed as usual and hit us right at home. I wonder if there are those who are shoving down their own feelings right now because you and those you love aren’t sick? You have a relatively peaceful home environment and enough food in your cupboards for the week?

My advice? Take those thoughts/feelings out sooner rather than later and let them breathe. Give them a chance to have their say. Use your rational mind to give them a little perspective and talk to God about them before you put them back for now. But let them out again before long.

If this blog is starting to sound too ‘self-helpy’ for you right about now, please don’t stop reading– because someone you’re close to might need you to help THEM today. (And my hope is that someone might not have to figure this stuff out along the way like I did.)

Distraction is an excellent tool and a great way to get through periods of stress, but we also need mindful reflection to actually address what’s going on in our minds and hearts. Use distraction, but don’t neglect mindfulness. Stop and listen to that birdsong (there’s a Tui going crazy outside of my window right now!), feel the sunshine on your skin, taste that piece of fruit, savour your morning coffee (if that’s your jam), and memorise again the faces of those that you love. Stop and breathe deep and slow a number of times per day.

If things get away from you and you feel panic coming on, your natural fight or flight instinct can kick in. What I find helpful is doing the opposite of that and rather than running from the anxiety, l-e-a-ning into it. Your body is your friend and it’s trying to communicate with you. Remember that! Respect your body and what it’s trying to tell you right now. When that first awful feeling of a panic attack starts you have a few seconds where you are still in charge before it sweeps you away. If you can, capture that moment when your chest gets tight and your heart begins to race and start your deep breathing and listen to your body. For me when I capture that moment, it’s like I feel the anxiety storm building and vibrating in my body, I note that it’s there, but then let it vibrate right out through my skin. Your experience might be totally different, but leaning into it works for many. I can count on one hand the amount of panic attacks I’ve had in the last 10 years using this method.

If you miss those moments and an attack sets in, ‘grounding’ your senses often helps. Put your feet flat on the floor so you feel it or lay flat on your back, notice: 5 things that you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Repeat this until you’re feeling better. Have things that you know speak to you ready in your mind for times like these. “God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7), is something I have played on repeat when needed. Hold the hand of someone else or put one hand across and under your opposite armpit and the other hand across to the opposite shoulder to feel the ‘container’ that you’re in. And don’t forget to remember that your body is actually your friend–even if it doesn’t feel like it right now!

There are so many stories that go on in our heads that form the basis of who we are and how we relate to the world around us. Sometimes letting those stories out and hearing them out loud by talking to a trusted friend is all that we need to make sense of things and take back power over our own thoughts. Addressing what is troubling you is waaaay more effective than shoving it down and ignoring it. Not matter how much you try to bury it, it’s still ‘talking’ to you. De Nile is a river in Egypt—not something that’s at all helpful for you!

Whatever you do remember that you are not an island—and ask for help! There are many counsellors out there taking appointments over Zoom right now even while we can’t get together in person. Talking to someone else isn’t weakness, in fact it takes a huge amount of courage!

Put good stuff into your mind throughout the day. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” (Philippians 4:8). It can feel good in the same way that scratching a scab might be to check the news 20 times a day or watch a really scary movie, but is that what’s actually best for your well-being? Limit your caffeine and sugar intake as these can add to your anxiety. Get some exercise every day! This has been scientifically proven to be as effective as medication for many. But if you’re just not coping, talk to your doctor as your system might benefit from some support at least for a time.

And last but definitely not least, don’t forget your spirit. Talk to God, do the things that you know bring you close to him. Our pastor recommended an app called ‘Lectio 365’ that is just awesome. It’s about a ten minute audio daily devotional delivered in a really reflective way giving you space to respond as it goes.

God is big enough to handle the hard questions you may have for him right now too— and he might just want to show you a bit more of his heart for you and the world around you in the process. This is his world. He sees and knows what’s happening here. He also sees and knows YOU. He knows what makes you tick and what you may be going through right now.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord…

…I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.

 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.”

(Psalm 27: 1-6, 13-14)