“They’re just attention seeking.”
There are very few things that really upset me, I’m a (sometimes irritatingly so) naturally optimistic person. But these words in relation to a suicide attempt really chaps my hide. I want to say, “Do you really think they did that painful, awful, traumatic, shocking thing to themselves just for that?”
Years ago I spent the day with a beautiful lady whose husband had taken his life. She described her absolute shock as she was caught completely unaware. She knew he’d been ‘struggling a bit,’ but that was all. His every thought in taking his life was for her. He did it in the garage and made sure it would be easy to clean. He left a message on the answering machine to explain how much he loved her and how he knew that her life would be better without him. He called 911 before he did it so she wouldn’t be the one to find him.
I left the day forever changed in my assumptions of how things could go and what it was like to be the one walking beside.
A suicide attempt is a desperate response to an ongoing, agonising internal battle. It’s often a response to terrible, unbearable psychological pain, or a real, seemingly logical, belief that the world and the people that they love would be better off without them. It’s frequently not actually wanting to die— it’s just not wanting to live (Lickerman, 2010). It’s not attention seeking, but it might be the only way someone can think of to ask for help.
For various reasons, three different people who are part of my whole heart have tried to take their lives. Two I was present immediately after for, one I didn’t know about for years. While I have thankfully never reached the point of being suicidal myself, I have walked beside loved ones in significant pain and have learned a few things along the way.
First of all, if you are worried about someone ASK THEM. People often feel like they don’t want to put the thought of suicide into someone’s head, but studies clearly show that not only will it not move them towards suicide, but that you might just save their life by asking (Mental Health Foundation, 2020). If anything, allowing them to let their thoughts out of their heads into the light of day can allow them to begin a journey towards finding help and healing. Take them seriously. And believe them.
Secondly, BE THERE for them. Don’t try to solve their problems, don’t try to fix them, don’t judge them or minimise their distress. Listen to them. Love them. As I walked through the ER looking for a loved one who had just attempted, a nurse, who might as well have been an angel from Heaven (!), drew me close and said, “I’ve been where you’re standing. And no matter what you’re feeling right now, you’re going to take a deep breath, and walk into that room and just love them.” When I asked later how to support this person, a counsellor said that they would be having all sorts of conflicting emotions now including shame and would be, “Looking for holes in your (my) love.” Your person’s behaviour and mood might be all over the place and it won’t be easy, but be there. And consistently love.
Next, help them to HOPE. One of my people reminded me recently that when they sobbed that they had no hope left, I said, “That’s OK. I will hold it (hope) and keep it safe with me until you find it again.” I don’t really remember saying the words, but I do remember an instinctive wanting to scoop hope out of my own body to pour into theirs. And because I had no idea what else to do! Modelling that there is still hope is apparently a powerful tool and had a significant impact on my people at least. Believe that there is hope for them and hold onto it until they can believe it for themselves.
Know that it will take TIME, so look after yourself, too. There isn’t a quick fix for this. It’s not going to be over in a week, a month or maybe even a year. When someone you love is hurting, you’re in it for the long haul. As they’re growing in strength and healing, you need to keep your own energy up to stay the course with them. Find time to do what fuels you. Talk to a counsellor to process your own feelings. Exercise. Be still. And curate a support network if possible around your person so you don’t have to carry it all alone.
Don’t let OTHER PEOPLE’s opinions matter. People often want to place blame to make themselves feel more comfortable about an uncomfortable topic, but you don’t need to explain everything to everyone. Remember that your person who was suicidal has their own story and you need to help it remain private until/unless they want to share it themselves. Outsiders will have suggestions and might sincerely want to help, but you have the right to pick and choose who you will listen to and what you will pass on to your person or not. Their well-being is more important than your well-meaning acquaintance’s feelings.
Finally, know that this is NOT FOREVER. Seasons change, Spring comes again, time heals wounds. Your loved one may struggle again later, but with the right support it will hopefully get less frequent and less severe. The sun will shine again and this too shall pass.
I look at my people now with awe at their growth and courage. They inspire me. And I am grateful every day that they are still here.
If you are worried that someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts click here—> https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/assets/Suicide-pdf-updates-dec-2019/Are-You-Worried-2019-1.pdf
References:
Likerman, A. (2010). The six reasons people attempt suicide. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide
Mental Health Foundation New Zealand. (2020). Suicide: Worried about someone? Retrieved from: https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/48/suicide-worried-about-someone
Heather Pound 