CAN we love?

People who choose to spend their lives serving others are often wired to give. And give, and give. Of course, everyone is selfish sometimes, but in general those who have sacrificed to follow a path of service have the ability put others before themselves. While sought after and good, this path is fraught with an ongoing struggle to mindfully walk the fence between giving of one’s self, yet maintaining personal well-being in the process. This delicate, balancing act is key to developing resilience, something I’m passionate about promoting after watching people drop like flies around me from burnout on the mission field and experiencing burnout myself. Those who are inclined to give are not necessarily naturally gifted in looking after themselves.

Recently I read the amazing passage in Romans 12:9-21 where Paul spells out the basics of what it means to live life as a Believer in Christ. It’s so, so good that I’ve given myself a little challenge to re-read it often and to honestly evaluate where I am currently at. Things like: genuinely love, hang out with the lowly, show each other honour, want good things for those who persecute you, don’t think that you’re wise, feed your enemy and don’t repay evil that he may have done to you, and be patient when you’re going through a hard time.

These basics are beautifully summed up in Romans 13 which says, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself. Love does no wrong to a neighbour” (English Standard Version). Basically we can fulfil anything that God wants from us by extending love. Because he created us to be relational beings and this is the best way for us all to not only get along, but live together really, really well. A way that not only is good for those around us but meets the deepest desires within our own hearts. It’s joining in on the Divine dance of who God inherently is. After all, “God is love” (I John 4:8, ESV).

Sometimes it’s good to get back to basics.

It occured to me that a good mark of well-being might be to stop and consider how well we are doing in the love department. Can we love? Are we too tired, too stressed, too fed up with life, too jaded so that we have lost our ability to love? Or god forbid, are we too proud, too caught up with our goals and achievements that we have somehow forgotten love’s value?

Christian psychologist Dr. Caroline Leaf recently posted on Facebook, “Every morning I check my mindset, making sure I start the day off thinking well. I focus on what I’m grateful for and what I’m letting go of. I used to start each day a little negative, thinking about how stressed I am and how much I need to get done. Now I make it a goal to start off the day in a healthy and constructive way. I tell myself that not matter what happens today, it is going to be a great day and I’m going to make every opportunity a learning opportunity.” A great example of how to consciously and mindfully (yes, those are different words, I checked!) live. Living in healthy and helpful ways usually takes paying attention, self-discipline, and mindfully taking stock. I’m not talking about just deciding to love better by sheer force of will, but to give out of an overflow of what is inside us. And even small adjustments to keep our own love tanks filled up in the ways that we do things can go a long way towards producing health and resilience in our own lives while we then love others.

So if the basics of life as a Believer revolve around love, what are the basics of making sure that we have love to give?

Jeremiah 17:8 says, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord. He is live a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when the heat comes for its leaves remain green and is not anxious in the year of drought for it does not cease to bear fruit” (ESV). This verse is basically a ‘how to’ on removing fear and anxiety. A key to creating longevity and resilience. Growing slowly, steadily, putting out deep and trusting roots into the Water that never runs dry because he is the Source. When we actively submit ourself in the process of growing strong though him we can love through his love, walk in his wisdom, live in his strength. I don’t know where the saying came from but, “When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.”

On the first Sunday of Advent this year our pastor talked about expectation in the waiting. At the end of the service every family was given the opportunity to take a pot and plant a bulb to watch it grow through this season. I have only recently become successful at keeping plants alive(!) so I decided to take this process seriously. It’s been a surprisingly meaningful experience to watch this plant on my windowsill flourish as I think about expectation in the waiting. Bit by bit. Day by day. Only three weeks ago it was just a bulb and now it looks like this:

I can’t visibly see it grow in the moment, but clearly growing it is. And it will eventually blossom! Our lives are like a plant. Seemingly imperceptible growth at times, but with sun and water our roots will become steadily nourished by the good soil of our Creator. But we also have to keep him as our Source.

We’ve all heard, “I can do all thing through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:14, ESV). We can use that almost as an excuse to mindlessly just ‘keep on keepin’ on.’  Sometimes we forget the verses that come before, however, that talk about knowing how to live in various different circumstances, good and bad, easy and difficult and yet finding strength. Banning Liebscher says in his book “Rooted” (He is American so don’t giggle at that word, Kiwis!), “When we put, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” in context, we see that Paul was saying, “I’ve had seasons in life where I’ve had nothing and sessions where I’ve had everything. I’ve developed the ability to thrive in both seasons by learning to access the resource that never changes, no matter the season, namely, Christ’s strength.

Similarly, when you read the Psalms, you find David spoke about all kinds of circumstances, ranging from celebratory to terrifying. He wrestled with impossibilities, fear, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, anger, and grief. But every time, the wrestling drove him back to the source of his strength: God. And every time David accessed that strength, whether in the field, a house, a cave, or a castle, it led to his thriving.”

And isn’t that what we need to keep giving of ourselves for others in this life? We need strength to not just survive, but thrive. God is our Source of strength–but sometimes we forget to prioritise him in the wrestling only to find ourselves depleted and dry. Just like a healthy plant slowly grows, the ‘plant’ of our lives gradually becomes parched and desperate for Living Water.

God is the Source of strength that we access to be a conduit of love for others. But we also need that love ourselves. Romans 8 says, “Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger or sword? No in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, or angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (vs. 35, 37-39, ESV). That promise is one of my favourites in the Bible! His love will never not be available to us. NOTHING and no outside force can make it go away.

If the basics of our faith in relationship to humanity is to walk in love, perhaps a simple and useful barometer of our well-being is to intentionally and regularly examine how well we’re doing just that. Can we love? How well are we doing with the people in our lives? Mindfully and carefully keeping track of the ‘love’ barometer can go a long ways toward creating resilience for the long-haul in our lives. That outward check can clue us into the early warning signs of an internal lack. Finding the balance of being filled ourselves first is key to the ongoing resilience that we all need to keep on giving. “Love your neighbour as yourself.”

Are we not able to love as a basic expression of our faith? Have we been tapping into our Source? Are there things we’re expecting of ourselves that God hasn’t actually asked of us? Are there ways we’re unrealistically trying to be superhuman and not nourishing ourselves before we try to pass nourishment along to others? Are we ignoring and shoving down pain? Have we been lax about stopping and connecting with the never-ending love that God has for us? He hasn’t gone anywhere, but have we?

I don’t believe that this process is a ‘pass or fail’ exercise. It’s not meant to be guilt producing–but freedom bringing. The ongoing process of mindful evaluation helps us grow stronger as we tap into the Source of love and strength that will never run dry. If we’re struggling, and let’s be honest we all do, maybe the output isn’t matching the input and we need to take a break or find a different pace.

We can’t pour from an empty cup.